| with our burning love that stings like a bee |
[21 Aug 2007|09:39pm] |
Los Angeles is where I am staying right now, and let me tell you that it is fucking crazy here. crazy. insane. Los Angeles is the home of those who are a somebody or simpy a nobody trying to be a somebody, but actually I believe we are all somebody's so I cannot be too hurtful about this, right?
well shit, I do not know anything anymore. Everything is completely scattered, and confusing. I am so nervous, I cant eat, I cant sleep. What the fuuuuuuuuck I do not ever lose my appetite or lose interest to sleep. I feel like im going mad or completely insane. I cannot make a simple decision and stick with it for longer than a day. I think too much. I over-analyze.... look at me........ fuckkkkkkk........ im leaaaaaavinggggggg, byeeeeeeeeesdotjawoierjoiweroiaweoirawioeuroiawuer
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| ert980298341#$#?$?@ |
[09 Aug 2007|03:02am] |
I dont really fucking care if anyone reads this or not anymore. It just gives my lethargic//bored self something to vent on, and lately a lot of venting has been needed. I live in Ashland, Oregon now. Ive been here for two months. Im taking my first semester of college, and it just so happened to be the summer session which was ridiculously hard and time consuming, but everything will be over with next thursday.
Im going back to texas for like a month. I might stay, I might not. Who knows. Im two different people now a days. LSD divides you like a knife and a loaf of bread. Anyways, what im saying is that i might change my mind and come back to Oregon. Its not so bad. I've met great people, and have had tons and tons of new doors open up for me.
Like recently, I've been helping my friend direct a spiritual cinema film thats coming out next year.
Im recording one of my songs at a studio this saturday for another guy that is making a short film.
Everyone is really inspired and motivated here so it keeps the creativity flowing for me.
This dorm hall sucks,and these bitches dont like the smell of marijuana so they go and rat me out like a naazziiii. ughhh
I wish everyone would be more accepting of others. The world would be a much more beautiful place.
I woke up this morning and had a breakdown. Started crying before I could even think straight, and then had this wonderful idea to order myself a nice delecious pizza. So I did just that. It was amazing, but now its all gone and my tummy longs for more.....
Wow. I cant wait to see what keller is going to be like. Im going to see so many people I havnt seen in like a year, because i was locked up like an animal in another country for 8 months, because im such a threat to society. :(
Met some cool kids outside tonight while smoking a cigarette. Ones in my psychology class and says marijuana motivates him to wake up. So now im wake and baking. YEAHHHH!!!!
my birthday is so soon, and austin city limits. Bob Dylan is going to be so fucking mind blowing.
tired.
eyes are drooping.
maybe ill write more later, or maybe i will disapear for another year.
goodnight
-desiree
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| goodbye texas |
[12 Mar 2006|05:33pm] |
I'll be on a bus tonight
on my way to Connecticut
leaving my whole life behind
to try something new
and find happiness, i hope.
Im moving to Stamford
which is a nice little city that has a downtown
and is only about 45 minutes away from New York City
taking the train in Darien.
My whole family lives up there
including uncle, aunt, and real mom
I've never lived with my mom
I've lived with my grandparents my whole life
and now im going to live with her
in her nice little apartment
and you know what, im okay with that
im okay with leaving
because i realized things last night
that this is good for me
and half my heart is telling me to go
even though i love my friends ive made
and i love stevo, always.
i need time alone
i need time to be happy
and get my life back on track
Connecticut is where I was born
and where im suppose to be
theres nothing in Texas that I need to look back on
and dwell upon.
but, this isnt goodbye
this is just see you later
i'll be back.
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| dying. |
[25 Feb 2006|07:56pm] |
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We should have saved more time
To figure out the person in the mirror
But, Fridays were spent with the bottles of alcohol
That were far too temping to keep closed
And, Wednesdays followed the same
Throughout the whole weeks, and months
That grew closer to a full year
We were insects displayed on a pin
Feeling exposed, helpless, and unable to explain ourselves
But instead we covered it up like clowns drowning in
Captain Morgan and shots of Viaka.
--disturbing we must have seemed
Oh, but we were so god damn happy
And I could never figure out what it was
Why the nights ended in smiles
Just after sunrise set its tail
The place was a mess
Empty cans thrown in the sinks,
And cigarette butts flushed down toilets
I know the voices like the back of my hand
And the music from a farther room.
I know the eyes already
Like they were my own, because I almost felt they were
I almost felt this place was a part of my heart,
But it flickers and aches when not around.
--I should have been the one left behind
Because my years were damaged, and liver felt ill
The walks from one apartment to the other
Separated and judged by two different drugs
Seemed longer and colder every time
Like something was dragging me
Then trying to spit me back out like a
Terrible fruit.
Then the street lights, and all the fights
Being knocked over onto tables
With baffles of laughter,
Because we were too fucked up to function
“You won” “You’re the winner” they’d say
But, I was no winner
I didn’t win anything but a new meaning
That never made enough sense under the dusky fog.
We were afraid, and knew it
But licked our lips and bit it off with a smile.
We have lingered, and we have lived
What seems 10 lives in one
And these should have been our worst times
Coated in ignorance, and a wall of shame
But it wasn’t, and it was
And it was all so beautiful.
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[29 Jan 2006|10:22pm] |
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im just really happy
I deserve to be happy
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[22 Jan 2006|11:54pm] |
i am miserable.
i want to see my dad so much that it hurts
i feel like im wasting time
just waking up
let down, and hanging around
there has got to be more to life than this.
there has to be
-------- update:
as of right now, we are all lunatics.
we, by far, all want to be sick
there is a strange comfort
or should i say fascination
in addiction
so we med ourselves up
snort our shit
down some beers
toak it up
because we want to be sick.
we actually want to be mentally ill.
it gives our life a little more purpose, maybe meaning.
and that is fucked up.
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| im never gonna know you now, but im gonna love you anyhow |
[21 Jan 2006|07:39pm] |
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this has to stop somewhere. I've been broke for fucking weeks. I havnt had my own pack of cigs in god knows how long. Being broke for a woman that needs to support habits is not cool. Last night, was great. I was super drunk and got back into the weed habit. Go Desiree! not really. i'm very, very ashamed. anyways, i was incoherent and it felt fucking great.
I'm never allowed to go out. I never go out without sneaking out and its so god damn pathetic, really. This isnt who i am. I just feel very immature for someone who really isn't. Like today, I wanted to sleep in past 10:30 and now im grounded. Im grounded because i wake up every fucking day and go to school and get my shit done and then saturday comes along and i want to sleep in till 12? So, i get stuck at home. The alcohol craving comes in. And i want to leave the house. I'll probably end up doing that soon. Its such a pathetic life to live. This is why i want to move to Connecticut. The sad thing is, i dont think I can ever leave these people here. Just because thats all i have. And thats a sorrowful way to look at things.
I've never been in a "relationship" for such a long time without really any worries, but now im starting to get all the stupid feelings/jealousy/stupidness that comes with it. We're not serious about what we are. He never calls until about 9pm. We havnt hung out completely sober in forever. This is ridiculous. It was great for awhile, like in the beggining when it didnt really matter. I'm such a fucking bellyache. fuck this
im out bitches. this thing is gonna start being updated more
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[07 Jan 2006|09:42pm] |
I knew everything he was thinking
The little mistakes and even the greatest things
It scared me sometimes
How many thoughts I was able to see
He was the introducer
The first one before any of them
I guess that means something
Now I know nothing about love
How it works, how it grows
And I doubt if I ever will
But, I loved that person
And I wouldn’t know how to explain it
Even if I tried
By the end of the nights he was hardly too drunk for communication
I might as well just call him incoherent
Kind of reminded me of myself
He was my mans best friend
He came before though
I hope he realizes that one day
It really could have been something
But I was a coward
And he knew it
So it ended like that
Never really had a beginning
Never going to end
But he’s always there
Always will be
He doesn’t even have to speak a word to me anymore
Just as long as he’s there
Somewhat near me
and I know everything’s alright
If he’s as smart as I think
Then maybe it isn’t such a secret after all
It will be nothing more than what we have become
And the girls he stumbles upon
Brings about
Wraps around him when the nights grow ill
Sometimes
I just wish those girls were me.
----------------------------------
stopped smoking weed.
became a drunk.
the possession charges are taken off my record
but, im stuck in s.r.c.
and that is not a fun place
it is prison
things are really hard right now
i need to be on my own.
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| I do believe in all the things you see |
[19 Dec 2005|01:36pm] |
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I've been needing to get my life out into words for quite some time this past month. I figured i'd do it here
Friday I was arrested with possession of marijuana on a drug free school zone, and i guess it still just hasnt hit me. It wasnt that I was flaunting it, the drug dogs werent even there. It was the fact that the dealer got caught and ratted out every kid he had sold to that day. This is quite out of character for me to be arrested. I hardly speak in class, and havnt gone further than saturday school. Now im suspended for 45 days and left with a nice fucking court date on January 3rd. All because i had not even 2 bowls of pot on me. And I guess what really botheres me is the way the school treats you. like shit, complete shit. Like i was some fucking burden to the world. My mom had to release me from the police department after almost 5 hours of dealing with all the bullshit, and i was so ready to get home.
The thing is, im not a bad kid. Im really not. Amazing how much god pours karma over me anytime i make a bad choice. amazing. This is the worst year of my life. I live two very different lives. One in the day time, thats the miserable desiree. The one that is so cynical towards every human being in that god damn school. The desiree that looks hung over as fuck every day and sleeps through every period. My night life contains the best memories. No one even knows the people I hang out with during the evening. And thats what I do. Party every night, sleep all day. It doesnt bother me. I guess what really hurts is all these habits. Seems to be too many, cant keep up with them all. When im not toaking it up, i'm a drunk. I've consumed at least 7 beers a night, but I love my friends. I really do. the 10, 12 of us cant really bare going a night without it. Were all the same. All alcoholic stoners that love eachother. and i really do, i couldnt imagine life without any of them.
I cant help but understand my whole life is a lie, everything i've ever learned is just a bunch of words put together to mean something from nothing. These morals, rules, right, and wrong. I cant help but know its make believe or made up from some acid tripping government back in the day so our society could stay whole. Life? hah. a big fucking joke. This is life... school, work, money, marriage, kids, get old, die. Thats all you know though. And thats all we'll ever know. Thats a pretty sad way to live if you ask me. We cant even be ourselves, all of us follow eachother. All of us. Were all soaked up in the t.v. screen checking out the latest styles just to set ourselves apart. I cant imagine the world 100 years from now or what it will consist of. Weve turned this place into hell. Im sorry but we have. I dont see the beauty anymore because ive realized too much. I wish i never learned it either. I believe in absolutely nothing. I'm a negative person, and a complainer. This is why i turn to substances daily. At least i've knocked out all the other unnessessary shit in my life. ( man - made drugs ) . Yea, at least i knocked all that shit out.
I have problems that I dont want to take care of, because im stubborn and will never change. Then I think about all the people I let down because of it, and how fucking shitty of a person I am sometimes. But when the night falls, and im dancing and laughing thats when I forget about it all. I guess thats when I really feel alive, and not care about a damn thing, because life really does feel infinite all over again. And all the cynical emotions dissapear. I enjoy that. I need that for my life so much more.
I could ramble for days and days, but i'd rather sleep. Anything to make time pass during the day is what i need. Something about the daytime brings me down.
I've fallen down, and im just waiting to rise back up .
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| Dont look back in anger, i heard you say |
[06 Nov 2005|09:08pm] |
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The lighter fluid was running low after I took my last hit. The room slowly starting moving. This is when I’m dazed. This is when I need you. And I cant help but hear too many sounds caught between too many people. No one means anything to me anymore, not with this type of weather and no one by my side. Does loneliness have to be so depressing anyway? I’m dizzy again. These walls talk in conversations and your voice is nothing but erased. Who are these faces? Talking back and forth some to me, but I cant understand a thing. This is when I’m dazed. This is when I need not you. Not him nor her. Not nobody. Just me.
So follow me whichever way you prefer, but don’t put your life in my hands thinking I might help the bits and pieces you‘ve stashed under regrets. The light is running low,
and even I cant keep up with the spinning.
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[12 Oct 2005|08:09pm] |
| [ |
music |
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the be good tanyas |
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I havent been doing much lately, but then again it seems like a lot. I've been doing enough is what I should say. Yea, thats what I mean. School is hell, the weekends are hell, weekdays are hell. I continue to be such a fucking pessimist. The weather is good, finally becoming cold enough for a smile. You might ask how i'm doing, maybe not. Maybe youre interested or dont really give a fuck, but I think Im doing okay. Could be worse/ could be better. I sure keep getting in trouble. Whether its with school or home, it never seems to end. Mary jane seems to ease the pain, and i mean why not? I make bad decisions so I can smoke weed, then once i smoke and get h i g h, I see the bad decisions ive been making. I see the same faces everyday. The same drugs. The same places, day by day. and I keep reminding myself I'm sick of it all, and i dont really need these things in my life. My brain doesnt seem to comprehend facts anymore. So here we go: honestly and sincerely things are not okay, but for some reason I keep waking up telling myself its alright.
" i've got enough to get me by" but my babys got the bends, and we dont have any real friends. We dont have anything anymore. So, im sitting here waiting. waiting. and waiting more. And with time, i realize there's nothing to even be waiting for. I want something. I need something. We all want something, and im receiving nothing. nothing at all.
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[05 Oct 2005|05:57pm] |
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self-control.////
want to spare me any? i sure as fuck need it more than you do right about now
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| We live in a beautiful world, yea we do, yea we do |
[01 Sep 2005|11:50pm] |
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I know that no ones going to read this, and it doesnt bother me too much. I have 3 hours to keep myself occupied before i leave early to get "fucked up", because you know thats apparently all I do now. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mytwohands inspires me to write about my battles. Maybe we all need to get something out. Most people would say I do it for attention or even to seperate myself from others. I dont know why I do the things I do anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. I can hear myself screaming from every inch of the walls day after day. I can talk through my mind, and inside my heart. BUT I STILL REMAIN THE SAME. All these therapists, all the counseling, its bullshit. After the drugs take toll you think your life suddenly becomes "tramatizing" and depressing. Drugs slowly become the only bit of your life you can keep together. YOU THINK THEY ARE KEEPING YOU WHOLE, you think they are opening your mind, but in all reality they are the reason your so called messed up life is fucked up. I wish I could talk to someone about this, but i cant. You and I both know people dont care about others feelings, atleast when they complain about their problems. Thats why I do it here. right now. in this chair. at 12 a.m.
I want to be free again. Like the wind. How I use to run in the wind, and feel the breeze sway past my face. I want to make people happy, tell them nice things. I want my friends back. My real friends. The ones I could have fun with without being fucked up. The ones that told me I'm better than that. Some times we use to roam around Fort Worth , eat at unique restuarants, and just fucking laugh. Laugh so hard about stupid silly things. I want it back. I want everything back.
I wish i had a family. Being alone for almost 16 years becomes average to me. I hate my real mom. Such a crack-whore, a fucking fuck-up. Always saying she'll come visit. Always saying she'll buy me shit for holidays. She never comes. she never fucking comes. I love my dad though.God, do i love that man. I love the way he makes me laugh, and how hes still trying. After everything he did, all the drugs, all the rehab. I love how he's my best friend, and I dont care that I see him once a week. I dont care if he smokes weed and is an alcoholic that lives in a broken down white trash trailor so called home. For that man has been the only person in my life whose ever once believed in me. Sometimes I want to just hug him so hard and tell him everythings going to be okay, because I know how he feels. He's irresponsible. He's me in a male form of way.
The days are becoming shorter, and I cant remember which way it begins. Always here, and there, but never really anywhere. Promises. Failure. Dissapointment. In that exact order. Day by day after day. You dont know me, and I dont know me. Makes things more confusing. All faith lost. God, I dont know where I'm going to end up. I dont recall the day it happened either. The day it started. How did it start? Is there even a beginning? Is it just a process, that builds and builds until your fucking eyes open up to sunlight, and you look in the mirror and cry, because your face is pale and your heart has weakend.
I want to be free again.
I want to be me again
I want to change
You dont know how bad I want to change
I tell my self i will. I sware I do. Everyday of my life.
So where does it end?
inner strength i guess. something i dont have. Something I havnt even tried for, because each day the sun sets more beautiful than the rest. And I believe, I mean I truly believe I'll be okay. Maybe I wont, Maybe I'll crash into a box with broken bones and melted eyes. Something about the world and the way it looks keeps me going, and that piano underneath these stairs. It keeps me going. I'm trying. I'm alive. I may not be the intelligence one I once was, but I'm okay. I hope you are too, because I care more about you than I do myself. For some reason I might be able to untangle all the unneseccary pieces of my life. I want you to be happy, because I dont know what happy looks like anymore. I dont know how to feel or how to love. The distance keeps getting further and further each year. Seperating myself from people. The hugs are more cold than winter, and I cant even tell people i love them , atleast not in a normal tone "iloveyou" she mutters silently. shes praying everynight for someone to keep her safe. shes making it out okay. shes making it out better than I thought she would. Despite how much she fucks up and how much she just wants to give up. I love her. I love myself, because i'd like to think of her as a best friend. The only one I can count on. the one that keeps her headup and a smile, because i have something to look foward to. I have a life, and I'll make it a good one. Whether its the last thing I do.
So thats my life. At the moment for now. I dont know where the days take me. Or which way the wind blow anymore. Its 12:20 now, and I cant continue on any further even though I could. I could write chapters, but i wont. For my eyelids are heavy and my body is numb. I want you to learn from people like me.
I WANT YOU TO LOVE AND SMILE AT THE SUNRISE EACH MORNING until your heart is too full to even exist.
thats all i have to say for now
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| I have seen too much. I havnt seen enough. You havnt seen it. |
[30 Jul 2005|12:01am] |
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Im sorry I havnt been faithful to you livejournal, but things tend to get in the way. A lot sure has been going on. Then again its the same old usual stuff. Lately I've had a void I cant fill, and I'm not content with my life to the fullest. Depression is okay to talk about without trying to be emotionally distressed and whimpering.
Valium. its interesting, but isnt kicking in yet. It's amazing when you come to a point of not caring to share about treacherous substances. Summer life. Oh my. Amazing is all I can say. Changing is what it is actually. Some point in life you begin to stop trying. You begin to create walls around your personality ; closing out everyone that ever mattered to you. I've lost a great deal of friends this summer due to choosing other things over them.
Im losing interest in typing. i think its this substance. Its been an hour, i think its slowly starting. Relaxtion. focus. weird stuff. weird. very weird.
oh wow, this must end.
everything
straighten your life up des
this isnt who you wanted to be
the roof was amazing tonight.
im sorry im so boring. i wish i had something interesting to say
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[11 Jun 2005|02:57pm] |
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I have unexpectedly made my journal Friends Only.
add me. (if you already havn't) // I add you back.
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